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Adam John Venancio Bernal
14 June 2005 @ 02:44 am

somebody change me from the person I am.. I'm losing people left and right because of my immaturity..
the convo with JakeCollapse )

I need to work on everything.. and I have to do it alone..

I am thinking of not attending school in the fall.. and getting a full time job.. I need to grow more than anything..

There is something seriously wrong here. I can't take this anymore.. Being who I am right now.. is hurting me too much.. I'm having problems even accepting myself.. For what it's worth I don't think I ever wanted to be someone else more than now.. these past few days have been so hard.. I can't even think ....

Seriously.. what made me happy makes me miserable.. Simple CHildish pleasures mean nothing to me.   I want to get rid of this person I have been all these years.. because he is making me nothing but miserable on the inside.. How can I worry about loving someone else when I don't even like who I am.  I have no one else to blame but myself.. I want to not wake up.. Self loathing isn't fun.  I realize I am not proud of who i am.. Who I have been for the past 6 years... and If i keep going on this path.. who will I be?  If only I were a NES.. I could hit reset.  Life won't be handed to me.. I need to work hard to get it.. I want to wake up a new person..

To everyone.. I need to be someone else.. not who I have been ... time to grow up.

< / journal>
Adam John Venancio Bernal
13 June 2005 @ 01:48 am

Today opened with frantic worry and no internet connection.. so yesterday's episode was aired today before this one.  LOL  I love referring to life as episodes like from TV.. funny thing is I don't watch TV but the concept of Television programming and planning amazes me so much.  Well back to the focus of today's Entry. 

Bobby, Adrian, Jason, and I woke up aty like 7:30 to get to Pride by 11.. well we took the bus.. it takes a while.. and we had to get our stuff ready.  For today was the day Bobby and I did Drag.  Wonderful wonderful time that was... but that comes later.  We make final decisions and hop on the 15 as soon as we could.  We ended up being about 20 minutes late for out volunteer shift, we didn't care... no one wanted those damn magazines to begin with.  At about 2:30 the bestest Karen showed up.  I told her about the oncomings of 3:00, and How I had a shit load of shit to do drag in and msuch.. and Bobby and I were doing drag.  She was so excited. 

Now before I go any further.. I wouldn't say Drag would be an everyday or often thing for me.. It's just something I do for shits and giggles.  But all that aside.. We looked fabulous.. Bobby looked like a elementry school principal type Reba Macintire.  And I just kinda looked like a Latina Diva.  (Pictures to come.)  The shoes killed me.  I could walk in them but after a while.. it became too combersome.  I made sure all the people that mattered got suprised, and then I undragged myself and became my beautiful Boy self.  LOL..  During Drag Amber and Nick showed up.   I swear I miss the Days when they were a couple.  It seems like they are made for each other.. It was soo sweet seeing them together.  How my brain has them Married.  ^_^. 

After I undragged I ate an ice cream, and got it all over my shirt, so I lugged Adrian to the Bathroom with me to make sure I got it all off.  Dancing ensued.. and I even got to play "Go Go Boy"  for the evening.. I was one of the two boys dancing on stage... well shirtless and such.. because I am that sexy.,. LOL.. j/k.  While dancing I felt so.... "over everybody."  You could say it was a power trip, but not really.  I was asked if I wanted to Dance on stage.  While up there I spotted John, and how his recent behavior had disturbed me.  I went down to get water.. and saw him walking by.. I said hi.. and he said Hi back and turned around like he wanted to say something but I walked passed as if I had nothing left to say... and no ear that could listen.  Continued to dance the night away.  People took pictures of me.  I think I may have lost an inch of my waist with all the dancing I did.  And the fact I had a food intake of maybe three pounds all weekend.  LOL. If only my mama could see me groove.. LOL.. she would probably disown me.  LOL.. (just kidding mommy)  Positive attention never felt so good. 

Bus ride home, Bobby and I had another deep conversation on how I apologize for things I need not apologize for.  I was told that on more than one occasion I tend to "steal" people's romantic interest.. and these indistinct people, think I do it on purpose.  I really need to stop meeting people through people.. Whatever.  I'm too tired for livejournal. 

<3 Adam

could be worse.. I could be... : exhaustedexhausted
Adam John Venancio Bernal

NOTICE:  This entry was made on Sunday June 12th at 4:00 AM.. and reviewed by Adrian at about 9:05AM before we left for pride

So O my god I should be in bed. But livejournal is something that must come first.  First thing is first....Fuck you, John.  I thought there was more to you than anyone else I ever met, and yet once again you prove me wrong.  People keep doing this shit to me.  I put my guard up and they get me to trust them and i tear it down too soon.  You build me up ... tell me how everything I do is cute. And how you thought of me the whole time you were in Florida, and then. I admit to saying "I'm falling for you."  and you end up calling me twice in one week and not every night before you go to bed, like you did because you want me to know you were thinking about me.  You then blow me off at pride..and yet notice that I am right next to you and be all over Samy.  I couldn't say I would be mad at Samy, because I never talk to the guy, well barely ever.  Next time I believe something is too good to be true, I will avoid it.  I don't give a hell if a boy is cute and nice beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  It's just sweet talk to get what they want.  And that would be the SEX word.  I knew I shouldn't have done it, but God damn. He totally jumped down my throat.. and I just went with the Flow.  I should know not to do that.  I am 21 for God sake.  Go figure. The one person my mother never talked shit about, and now I wish she did.  And plus who the hell was I kidding when I thought I would deserve having anyone in my life like that.  I am Adam, overly obsessive about hobbies, and by the time I am done talking about them and show who I really am, well why don't I just say... I compare my personality to a book. 
Chapter 1: the chapter everyone reads, "Adam is a good looking guy... lets talk to him... he's cute. "  Chapter 2: "Well hobbies?  What I do in my spare time... we may (Not) have many things in common.  I am totally obsessed with Sailor Moon, Buffy the vampire slayer... and Amber Benson. (Allie: Squee on phone convo.)  And boy do I know my trance music well... "  Chapter 3: In depth Moonie vision. Chapter 4: "OMG Buffy is my LIFE"  Chapter 5: "OMG Amber Benson. "  Chapter 6: "Boom chika boom chika boom boom boom."  Needless to say chapter 7 to like 22 or so (the end of the book.. )  is the me that barely anyone sees... a person who values my friends. A person who is very compassionate and loving and needs to be loved in return. You know the stuff that makes a person worth knowing.  The only thing is I don’t know what to tell people about myself... so I put the "annoying stuff" out there first, and no one ever gets to the good stuff.  By the time they get to chapter 3 or 4 they have already returned the book to the library... and moved on to a BBOP magazine. 
Now back to the "fuck you John."  I really don't hate him.. (Ok, I can’t handle editing this anymore because the period button stuck on him and it’s an eternal struggle –editor) I just hate myself for getting into it all being blinded by what was really going on.  I just really would have liked to know if it was all just sex.. and not anything potential..(this is screaming for a Buffy reference) Then I wouldn't be so hurt about it.  I don't blame him for playing me.  everyone goes through a slut phase.  I did.. he might.. It might have just been one of those.. And in all honesty.. if it was...  I would have liked to know to begin with.. or maybe right after... I'd settle for a few days later.. Well if I knew to begin with .. I would have never touched the boy, (much less give him the chance to even see me out of a group setting)  I mean seriously.. does anyone know how it feels to feel like someone just shot you through a window.. and you don't get to say "Oh...  your shirt"  .. well shamelessly.. i just did what I should never do.. bring up my "obsessive" hobbies out of nowhere.. more or less I would put it into words of being struck with an arrow during a primitive war (or out west red skin injin wars –editor).. and wanting to fall over dead.. knowing I should.. and I have no more life left in me.. But for some reason my soul won't give up.  I just believe I was very hurt by what happened.. and I believe he took the coward's way out.. just moving on without saying a damn word.  Expecting me to just "see and move on"   I am a pisces.. I need to be told.  Plain and simple. Torture only deepens the feelings and the wounds, possibly to the state of amputation of a limb. 
The rest of the day I was a cold hearted bitch.. or at least I felt like one.   I didn't pay attention to anything any of my friends were saying.  I kept trying to sneak some alone time in. Actually started thinking that everything I ever was, everything I ever am.. and everything I ever will be means nothing.  I started to think.. maybe I should give up my entire life, which I am quite insanely proud of.. become someone else.. (or in my terms.. no one. )  Dress pretty.. and only care about how "cute" someone is.  If I was like that.. more people would "like:" me.   By "like" I mean.. ask me to hang out and call me all the time to party.. but actually vigorously hate me.  I started thinking of if Steph would want any of my Sailor Moon stuff.. even if it was doubled to hers and charge her a bit.. because hell I need money.  Auction off my DVD collection and get every "obsession" as far away from me as possible.  Maybe I would be happier.  I wouldn't be the Ademu everyone knows and loves.. but at least some gay people would like me.  I had all this self-hatred inside.  Like how could I even like who I was.. when I can't even find someone to like those things about me.  I didn't want anyone to see me.  I didn't want to be me.  Here I was a place where I am supposed to have Pride in who I am .. and Who I have become.. and all I was doing was hating myself.  wanting to be someone else.. just for a minute.. (and then greedfully take that minute and stretch it along my whole life)  Actually truthfully considering all these things.. I talked to Adrain (I didn’t think sewer drains could talk –ed) on the way home.. Bobby and Adrian took me out my self-hatred-and-and-loathing-to-Las Vegas one way  ticket to notorious fagdom, and told me that I will always have friends in them.. no matter who I am or who I become.. and even if I decide to be a soulless shell of a human being just for a moment.. when that is over.. they will be there holding arms out like Jesus.  I still feel the need to greatly observe what I have and what I have been through.. and who I have become.. It's not fair.  Why is it.. when one person comes out of the closet they are forced into another one.. and the ones who avoid that one get shunned for life.  I am not saying all of the gay people I know are the shallow, queeny type.. or even that John is.. but it's all I really saw in many people around me.  Bobby says.. "Give it a few years... age will take it's toll, and they will have nothing.. they avoided their character for that long, but the time it's the only thing that counts.. they won't have it."  Doesn't mean just for a minute.. I wanted to be those people.. They seemed so Happy.. so.. into what was going on.  But you know.. I think about it.. the smiles were formed by the beer.  I swear if i didn't bust out crying on bobby's shoulder on the bus.. I would have come home and raged my room up pretty bad.. Hating everything in here.. from the Sailor Moon Tower.. to my dear sweet... Tara.   (hence there would be no LJ update.)I hate when I get these.. "You are better than me I hate who I am.. let’s try to change moods"  They happen more often then not. 
Which brings me to my next point... I seriously think something is wrong with me
All of my interests which I love so much.. (or say I do)  they seem to be dwindling..  I feel like things seem a bit forced.  Like even sometimes the obsession annoys the shit out of me, and I wish I would shut up. It's appalling how many times in the past year and a half I have wanted to be anyone but me.  How I hated how I talked to my parents, (like a 16 year old)  then I get pushed out of my house.. (I moved here basically by my mother's suggestion.. I said I would think about it .. I dog-sat for Mike while he was gone.. and by the time I went home.. I had my room packed up for me.seriously... does that not seem fishy to you?)  I really wish I could move back into my mom's house.. I miss it there and all the ruckus and everything.  But now that my mom wants to get a new computer desk and put it in the Spare room.. (Adam's old room)  I was told I should move in with my grandpa..  I love my grandpa and I want him to do well in the last few days of his life.. but I don't know if I could handle the day that he dies.  I acknowledge I am a little kid, who plays teenage games in an adult body.  I know this.  I want to change it.  I want my choices to be my own.  I love myself... I really do, but sometimes.. when not everyone is a nutjob like me.. I think it's not worth the effort. 

I think I have lost myself.
If I come back before I return ... shoot me.

<//3 Ademu



(edited by Adrian *thumbs up*)
Adam John Venancio Bernal
SO I just got off the phone with Katie.. and boy am I perterbed.  She starts talking about how I better be going to her party this weekend, on Saturday.  That is during Pride.  I hate the fact that she used the .. "My graduation comes once in a lifetime... and you are ditching it for PRIDE." 

1. I am volunteering.
2.  It's more fun than a party with your family.

This is not what made me mad.  It's the fact she started attacking gay people.  Saying it's a choice or that we all had fucked up childhoods.  My case she blames on the lack of a father figure.  I have a father figure.  His name is Scott, and he's my DAD.  I appreciate everything he has ever done for me, and for her to say that voids it all.  I don't think I can be friends with someone who disrespects me, my dad, and my family like that.  I told her countless times.. If I could.. I would be straight, but I think i enjoy actually being alive more than i do being depressed and pissed off at everyone.  Wouldn't you agree?  I am in "sin" and I know it's "wrong"  but I continue to do it.  That's hogwash.  Whatever happened to whomever be without sin throw the first gay bashing phrase. See I just can't stand peopel being this ignorant.  Yeah the bible speaks against it.  But what makes you so sure the bible is 100% accurate.  It was written by men.  Men are falliable.  And there is also the "Individual interpretation"  I believe when I read that book I am to interpret it the way I do because that is how GOD talks to me.  And that is how I am supposed to percieve it.  You know.. I realize  I don't want to go to Katie's party.  She doesn't even listen to anything I say.  I understand she doesn't agree with homosexuality, many of my friend's don't.  But don't tear it down every chance you get.  Seriously... like I said.. if I could even think about thinking about being straight, I would.   SOme people I swear..   GAWD!!
could be worse.. I could be... : annoyedannoyed
I am torturing my ears with: Rob Thomas - Lonely No More
Adam John Venancio Bernal
So I realize this is how my life works..

Stuff happens I look for others to make my decisons.. I am not forced to make my own.  After a long talk with Jake.. I realize I don't make my own decisions.. I need to do that reguarding my own life.  Who is gonna live my life but me?  I swear if i could I would have my mom pick out my clothes.. I am still a child.  I have never been forced to make my own decisions when it comes to the big things.   I need to be forced into life.. how else will I learn?  Also I need to learn that I am worthy of some good things.. I mean.. I am so paranoid about this whole John thing.  Like if he doesnt call one day I freak and think he has lost interest in me, but I need to learn to relax.  Runaway from my responsibilities too.. I seem to be like my father in that respect.  I just don't want to deal with being an adult.  I don't think I was raised to be an adult.  Just a child.  DO what I am told.. and everything is ok.  I want to be a intellectual independant.  I rely on everyone too much.  I turn suggestions into my decisions because someone said it would be good for me.  I never grew out of my nice groove that is the age of 16.  I rebel like a 16 year old.  Why do I do such things.  I am 21.  I am no longer a child.  Personal conflict sucks.  Part of me wants to avoid this and run and watch Buffy or Sailor Moon, but the small 4% of me that is mature.. wants me to face the shit out of this.  Grow up, and live life. Buckle down.  Stay in and read a book.  Maybe take a year off school to pay bills and get into the real world.  Maybe it would be good for me.  not this semster though.. maybe in spring ill take a break.  My mentality is too much at risk.  I can't run to Mommy as much as I want.  She shouldn't let me.  (immature self begs mommy not to listen to that)  Seriously.. I laugh because I am miserable with the thought of being an adult I don't wanna grow up.  How many of you know this without even asking or talking about it.  Maybe I'll put some stuff up on ebay.  Because I need to grow up.  I can't be this little kid anymore.. Thanks Jake.. It took an overly mature 17 year old to tell me I am being childish and I need to be independant, when all along I have had friends my own age tell me and I don't listen.  I can't tell you how many times Matty has told me to make my own decisions and I never do.  I honestly don't know if anyone is reading this. But if you are.. leave some notes of encouragement or something.. I love you all.. But next time i ask what I should do.. just say you don't know. (unless you know ill make a dumb decision

 Thanks and have a nice night.

could be worse.. I could be... : uncomfortableuncomfortable
I am torturing my ears with: Groove Coverage - Runaway
Adam John Venancio Bernal
So today was cool.. I realized i was negative 62 in my bank.. yelled fuck for about 45 minutes.. IMed Joe.. he owed me like 15 and He came over to drop it off so i could get some intake of food.  We went to Subway and I was a little piggy.  A whole Cheese Steak... it was disasterous.. But Joe dropped me off at home.. and Then I went to work..

Work I was with Cory.  He is this one guy who looks maybe 22 and is actually 28 with like 4 kids.. Sad eh... anywho.. We got this prank phone call about some guy wanting us to read the back of "What's love gotta do with it."  and he was pretending to be gay.  It pissed me off.  He should die.  Any who.. I am not 14 anymore to complain about that. 

I got off work and it consisted of more time with Joe.  Went to his house and watched Cowboys and Angels.. I don't know.. That movie was not as good as I expected.. but I enjoyed it more than I expected.. if that makes any sense.   Jeremy joined us.. and we were being insane.  I talked straight.. and Jeremy laughed.  Jeremy took me home.. and Now I am online listening to A Teens. and talking to Jake.  I miss him.. I havent seen him since.. a while ago.  I don't know..

could be worse.. I could be... : boredbored
I am torturing my ears with: A Teens - I Promised Myself
Adam John Venancio Bernal
08 June 2005 @ 02:22 pm

I tend to obsess alot in the wake of something new.  It is rather annoying.  I don't realize how annoying it is until someone else ppoints it out.. and I then see how anoying I can be.  I need to stop that.

On the other side of things\, I just woke up.  Boy was I tired or what?  I woke up and realized i never put an away message up.   Somethign I barely ever do. I work at 6 and I have nothig to do till then.  maybe I'll watch Taboo.

Pride is in 3 days.. who is coming?? LOL

Adam John Venancio Bernal
08 June 2005 @ 01:44 am
New layout.. it's coupling.. I like..
Adam John Venancio Bernal
Yet another Coupling Reference.. OMG I love that show.  BBC never tasted so good..  And I don't mean Big Black Cock.. I mean the real BBC  (British Broadcasting Company)  Adrian and I watched a few episodes at his place.  Today consisted of alot of Work.. like.. 5 or so hours of it.. and then .. Coupling.. and the Bus.. and Also ,.. some 69cent soda.. and A call from Hope and John.  I wish I had more eventful days..

< / day >
Adam John Venancio Bernal
ever try looking up that BBC show Coupling on limewire and all you get is Mom/Son porn.. it's sad.. and gross..