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13 June 2005 @ 12:43 am
"Turn or Burn" Part One.. lets think TV concepts here.  

NOTICE:  This entry was made on Sunday June 12th at 4:00 AM.. and reviewed by Adrian at about 9:05AM before we left for pride

So O my god I should be in bed. But livejournal is something that must come first.  First thing is first....Fuck you, John.  I thought there was more to you than anyone else I ever met, and yet once again you prove me wrong.  People keep doing this shit to me.  I put my guard up and they get me to trust them and i tear it down too soon.  You build me up ... tell me how everything I do is cute. And how you thought of me the whole time you were in Florida, and then. I admit to saying "I'm falling for you."  and you end up calling me twice in one week and not every night before you go to bed, like you did because you want me to know you were thinking about me.  You then blow me off at pride..and yet notice that I am right next to you and be all over Samy.  I couldn't say I would be mad at Samy, because I never talk to the guy, well barely ever.  Next time I believe something is too good to be true, I will avoid it.  I don't give a hell if a boy is cute and nice beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  It's just sweet talk to get what they want.  And that would be the SEX word.  I knew I shouldn't have done it, but God damn. He totally jumped down my throat.. and I just went with the Flow.  I should know not to do that.  I am 21 for God sake.  Go figure. The one person my mother never talked shit about, and now I wish she did.  And plus who the hell was I kidding when I thought I would deserve having anyone in my life like that.  I am Adam, overly obsessive about hobbies, and by the time I am done talking about them and show who I really am, well why don't I just say... I compare my personality to a book. 
Chapter 1: the chapter everyone reads, "Adam is a good looking guy... lets talk to him... he's cute. "  Chapter 2: "Well hobbies?  What I do in my spare time... we may (Not) have many things in common.  I am totally obsessed with Sailor Moon, Buffy the vampire slayer... and Amber Benson. (Allie: Squee on phone convo.)  And boy do I know my trance music well... "  Chapter 3: In depth Moonie vision. Chapter 4: "OMG Buffy is my LIFE"  Chapter 5: "OMG Amber Benson. "  Chapter 6: "Boom chika boom chika boom boom boom."  Needless to say chapter 7 to like 22 or so (the end of the book.. )  is the me that barely anyone sees... a person who values my friends. A person who is very compassionate and loving and needs to be loved in return. You know the stuff that makes a person worth knowing.  The only thing is I don’t know what to tell people about myself... so I put the "annoying stuff" out there first, and no one ever gets to the good stuff.  By the time they get to chapter 3 or 4 they have already returned the book to the library... and moved on to a BBOP magazine. 
Now back to the "fuck you John."  I really don't hate him.. (Ok, I can’t handle editing this anymore because the period button stuck on him and it’s an eternal struggle –editor) I just hate myself for getting into it all being blinded by what was really going on.  I just really would have liked to know if it was all just sex.. and not anything potential..(this is screaming for a Buffy reference) Then I wouldn't be so hurt about it.  I don't blame him for playing me.  everyone goes through a slut phase.  I did.. he might.. It might have just been one of those.. And in all honesty.. if it was...  I would have liked to know to begin with.. or maybe right after... I'd settle for a few days later.. Well if I knew to begin with .. I would have never touched the boy, (much less give him the chance to even see me out of a group setting)  I mean seriously.. does anyone know how it feels to feel like someone just shot you through a window.. and you don't get to say "Oh...  your shirt"  .. well shamelessly.. i just did what I should never do.. bring up my "obsessive" hobbies out of nowhere.. more or less I would put it into words of being struck with an arrow during a primitive war (or out west red skin injin wars –editor).. and wanting to fall over dead.. knowing I should.. and I have no more life left in me.. But for some reason my soul won't give up.  I just believe I was very hurt by what happened.. and I believe he took the coward's way out.. just moving on without saying a damn word.  Expecting me to just "see and move on"   I am a pisces.. I need to be told.  Plain and simple. Torture only deepens the feelings and the wounds, possibly to the state of amputation of a limb. 
The rest of the day I was a cold hearted bitch.. or at least I felt like one.   I didn't pay attention to anything any of my friends were saying.  I kept trying to sneak some alone time in. Actually started thinking that everything I ever was, everything I ever am.. and everything I ever will be means nothing.  I started to think.. maybe I should give up my entire life, which I am quite insanely proud of.. become someone else.. (or in my terms.. no one. )  Dress pretty.. and only care about how "cute" someone is.  If I was like that.. more people would "like:" me.   By "like" I mean.. ask me to hang out and call me all the time to party.. but actually vigorously hate me.  I started thinking of if Steph would want any of my Sailor Moon stuff.. even if it was doubled to hers and charge her a bit.. because hell I need money.  Auction off my DVD collection and get every "obsession" as far away from me as possible.  Maybe I would be happier.  I wouldn't be the Ademu everyone knows and loves.. but at least some gay people would like me.  I had all this self-hatred inside.  Like how could I even like who I was.. when I can't even find someone to like those things about me.  I didn't want anyone to see me.  I didn't want to be me.  Here I was a place where I am supposed to have Pride in who I am .. and Who I have become.. and all I was doing was hating myself.  wanting to be someone else.. just for a minute.. (and then greedfully take that minute and stretch it along my whole life)  Actually truthfully considering all these things.. I talked to Adrain (I didn’t think sewer drains could talk –ed) on the way home.. Bobby and Adrian took me out my self-hatred-and-and-loathing-to-Las Vegas one way  ticket to notorious fagdom, and told me that I will always have friends in them.. no matter who I am or who I become.. and even if I decide to be a soulless shell of a human being just for a moment.. when that is over.. they will be there holding arms out like Jesus.  I still feel the need to greatly observe what I have and what I have been through.. and who I have become.. It's not fair.  Why is it.. when one person comes out of the closet they are forced into another one.. and the ones who avoid that one get shunned for life.  I am not saying all of the gay people I know are the shallow, queeny type.. or even that John is.. but it's all I really saw in many people around me.  Bobby says.. "Give it a few years... age will take it's toll, and they will have nothing.. they avoided their character for that long, but the time it's the only thing that counts.. they won't have it."  Doesn't mean just for a minute.. I wanted to be those people.. They seemed so Happy.. so.. into what was going on.  But you know.. I think about it.. the smiles were formed by the beer.  I swear if i didn't bust out crying on bobby's shoulder on the bus.. I would have come home and raged my room up pretty bad.. Hating everything in here.. from the Sailor Moon Tower.. to my dear sweet... Tara.   (hence there would be no LJ update.)I hate when I get these.. "You are better than me I hate who I am.. let’s try to change moods"  They happen more often then not. 
Which brings me to my next point... I seriously think something is wrong with me
All of my interests which I love so much.. (or say I do)  they seem to be dwindling..  I feel like things seem a bit forced.  Like even sometimes the obsession annoys the shit out of me, and I wish I would shut up. It's appalling how many times in the past year and a half I have wanted to be anyone but me.  How I hated how I talked to my parents, (like a 16 year old)  then I get pushed out of my house.. (I moved here basically by my mother's suggestion.. I said I would think about it .. I dog-sat for Mike while he was gone.. and by the time I went home.. I had my room packed up for me.seriously... does that not seem fishy to you?)  I really wish I could move back into my mom's house.. I miss it there and all the ruckus and everything.  But now that my mom wants to get a new computer desk and put it in the Spare room.. (Adam's old room)  I was told I should move in with my grandpa..  I love my grandpa and I want him to do well in the last few days of his life.. but I don't know if I could handle the day that he dies.  I acknowledge I am a little kid, who plays teenage games in an adult body.  I know this.  I want to change it.  I want my choices to be my own.  I love myself... I really do, but sometimes.. when not everyone is a nutjob like me.. I think it's not worth the effort. 

I think I have lost myself.
If I come back before I return ... shoot me.

<//3 Ademu



(edited by Adrian *thumbs up*)
Squeedge: Contentsqueedge on June 12th, 2005 11:04 pm (UTC)

Never give up your hobbies.
Adam John Venancio Bernalademu on June 12th, 2005 11:05 pm (UTC)
Squeedge.. you are the one and only Squeedge.. and even though your ahir looks like a toilet brush, I still love you.
Stumblesburnfromwithin on June 13th, 2005 08:29 am (UTC)
I know the feeling about wanting to give up your hobbies.

I've felt like that many times. Just like sell my guitar, all my cds and everything. I don't know where it comes from tho. Just hang in there. *hugs*
Joe Habsjoehabs on June 13th, 2005 12:43 pm (UTC)
Adam, for what it's worth i think you are a beautiful person, and if people are too shallow to appreciate your devotion for your friends, your integrity and commitment to be true to yourself, then they have something coming. It's sad to think the vast majority of gay people are shallow, cold dirtbags who have one thing on their mind: sex. This is the inevitable fact and reality we embrace each day, facing life without regret or fear. I'm convinced that one day, I too shall find the guy who appreciates me for who I am, no frills, and someone I have enough in common with. But until then, stay tuned.