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14 June 2005 @ 02:44 am
death of ademu  

somebody change me from the person I am.. I'm losing people left and right because of my immaturity..

JeLanceUnAppel: did you go to Sic FLags today
JeLanceUnAppel: ?
LuvInNELanguage: mmhmm
JeLanceUnAppel: how was that
JeLanceUnAppel: ?
LuvInNELanguage: got a horrible uneven tan
LuvInNELanguage: and it rained
LuvInNELanguage: other than that no complaints
LuvInNELanguage: got to see Nick for the first time in so long
JeLanceUnAppel: Nick?
JeLanceUnAppel: the guy from Homocoming?
LuvInNELanguage: Mundeline IL
JeLanceUnAppel: Oh that one
JeLanceUnAppel: Awesome
JeLanceUnAppel: too many gay n icks
JeLanceUnAppel: seriouslt
JeLanceUnAppel: seriously*
JeLanceUnAppel: are you sleepy at all.. or comprehensively awake?
LuvInNELanguage: for now
JeLanceUnAppel: OK.. because I really want to talk to you seriously about something..
LuvInNELanguage: oh
JeLanceUnAppel: Just so you know.. I noticed you being kind of cold to me this weekend.. and it gave me an uneasy feeling.
JeLanceUnAppel: Like you don't value me as one of your friends anymore
JeLanceUnAppel: maybe I am wrong
JeLanceUnAppel: but is there something wrong.. ??  seriously
JeLanceUnAppel: I need to know
LuvInNELanguage: no adam
LuvInNELanguage: your absolutely right
LuvInNELanguage: there is something going wrong
JeLanceUnAppel: what is it..
JeLanceUnAppel: Im incredibly worried
LuvInNELanguage: from what i can tell
LuvInNELanguage: you
JeLanceUnAppel: and it is making me nervous.. because to me you are one of my best friends
LuvInNELanguage: adam, ive come to realize that i dont know if i can remain friends with you right now
JeLanceUnAppel: that's like a stab in the heart
LuvInNELanguage: ive been meaning to talkto you about it
LuvInNELanguage: but theres never been a good time
JeLanceUnAppel: I mean seriously.. what have I done wrong
JeLanceUnAppel: whatever it is .. I am incredibly sorry
JeLanceUnAppel: sorry my internet dies out every once in a while
LuvInNELanguage: I'm sorry adam, but your fucking 21, and you need to learn to make your own decisions and when its okay to be selfish, and not rely on mommy or my opinion
JeLanceUnAppel: So that's why?
LuvInNELanguage: well for one, you ruined a very possible at the time relationship that couldve happened.   you took things way to far on a physical level beyond my comfort.  then you added the fact of wanting to date my ex.  you cant make decisions for yourself without consulting everyone involved to make sure theyll stay happy.
LuvInNELanguage: and right now, its building to be too much for me to not be angry at you
JeLanceUnAppel: Im sorry
JeLanceUnAppel: honestly.. I dont know what to say
LuvInNELanguage: thats the thing
LuvInNELanguage: i dont want you to say anything
LuvInNELanguage: i want you to listen
LuvInNELanguage: and learn
JeLanceUnAppel: I just keep finding out all these things that are wrong with me
LuvInNELanguage: and i want you to respect my decision that for now i need a break of our friendship and communication
JeLanceUnAppel: And that's it?
JeLanceUnAppel: I want you to know I care for you alot.. and I value your opinion as my friend.. I told you .. if you had a probelm with anything.. to tell me.. you never said anything.. but then again.. I think that was my problem .. I cared what you thought.. I'm sorry for everything I did to you.. It's just as each day passes... I am realizing all my fucking flaws.  And I hate myself for them. 
LuvInNELanguage: well, what else would you like me to say adam?  do you need me to go into detail?
JeLanceUnAppel: not really..
JeLanceUnAppel: I'll stay away from you..
LuvInNELanguage: i dont really want to either
JeLanceUnAppel: I respect that you don't want anything to do with me
LuvInNELanguage: i didnt say permenantly
JeLanceUnAppel: it hurts but whatever
LuvInNELanguage: time will tell
JeLanceUnAppel: Jake.. you do know that your friendship means alot to me
LuvInNELanguage: i do
LuvInNELanguage: and it does pain me to do this
LuvInNELanguage: but ive realized a lot
LuvInNELanguage: as im sure you have as well
JeLanceUnAppel: and to me.. your opinion and thoughts are taken into consideration.. or at leats i try to let them
JeLanceUnAppel: Jake.. I can change whatever you want.. I can work through it.. It's just I have never been forced to make my own decisions and I am scared if I do I will make sour ones.  I don't know if anyone knows how hard it's been
JeLanceUnAppel: Im not asking for pity
JeLanceUnAppel: or for you to take back anything
JeLanceUnAppel: or change your mind
JeLanceUnAppel: You've listened to me enough.. and all my whining..
LuvInNELanguage: adam
JeLanceUnAppel: Just know.. I am not exactly happy with where I am in life.. any of it..
LuvInNELanguage: take a chance
LuvInNELanguage: make the wrong choice
LuvInNELanguage: make yourself happy
LuvInNELanguage: and others not
JeLanceUnAppel: I just don't want to lose you
LuvInNELanguage: i challenge yout o
LuvInNELanguage: im sorry adam, but right now i cant say the same...thats what ive come to realize
LuvInNELanguage: ive taken everything i can into consideration, and i know what im doing hurts you, as it does me as well.  but i dont look at you in the same way anymore adam.
LuvInNELanguage: and so i challenge you to take chances, make decisions without consulting ANYONE, do what makes you happy, make the wrong choice
LuvInNELanguage: youll be stronger in the end
JeLanceUnAppel: or dead
JeLanceUnAppel: thats what im scared of
JeLanceUnAppel: too many things depress me
JeLanceUnAppel: you know..
JeLanceUnAppel: Im not gonna say anything more..
JeLanceUnAppel: I can't try to make you change your mind./
JeLanceUnAppel: because obviously you decided long ago
LuvInNELanguage: you have to hit the lowest low before you ricochet back up
LuvInNELanguage: itll happen
JeLanceUnAppel: Jake .. my friendship with you means alot.. and if I have to.. I'll accept this.. As much as I don't understand.. I'm sure.. you are only doing it because you care about me..
LuvInNELanguage: im doing it for you and for me
JeLanceUnAppel: just remember.. You have a big piece of my heart.. take it for what you will.. or throw it away.. your choice.. but  I know I need help
LuvInNELanguage: yes
JeLanceUnAppel: well I guess we'll see what happens..
LuvInNELanguage: indeed we will...good luck adam.
LuvInNELanguage is away at 2:34:27 AM.

His away message after he went away is...

driving myself to the nut house....

this is one of those times i wish i had the ability to cry...

I need to work on everything.. and I have to do it alone..

I am thinking of not attending school in the fall.. and getting a full time job.. I need to grow more than anything..

There is something seriously wrong here. I can't take this anymore.. Being who I am right now.. is hurting me too much.. I'm having problems even accepting myself.. For what it's worth I don't think I ever wanted to be someone else more than now.. these past few days have been so hard.. I can't even think ....

Seriously.. what made me happy makes me miserable.. Simple CHildish pleasures mean nothing to me.   I want to get rid of this person I have been all these years.. because he is making me nothing but miserable on the inside.. How can I worry about loving someone else when I don't even like who I am.  I have no one else to blame but myself.. I want to not wake up.. Self loathing isn't fun.  I realize I am not proud of who i am.. Who I have been for the past 6 years... and If i keep going on this path.. who will I be?  If only I were a NES.. I could hit reset.  Life won't be handed to me.. I need to work hard to get it.. I want to wake up a new person..

To everyone.. I need to be someone else.. not who I have been ... time to grow up.

< / journal>
tatoofairiestatoofairies on June 14th, 2005 08:04 pm (UTC)
wow. i dont even know what to say. i am really sorry you are having all these feelings, and all that you have went through. i know we arent the best of friends and we dont talk all that often, but i do care about you. your a great guy, and i wouldnt want to see anything happen to you. if you need someone at any time write me and i'll give you my number. or if your stil around the south milwaukee area maybe we could do something. i need a life.
dragonwrathdragonwrath on June 14th, 2005 08:39 pm (UTC)
I love you adam! We seriously need to get together and chat over pie or something!! *huggs* Ami
Claudia Lynne: sweettinydancer6185 on June 15th, 2005 01:31 am (UTC)
Aw sweetie... you shouldn't hate who you are. I love the person you are. You're so full of life and can always get me to smile just by being you. If you need to find yourself, hey, I can understand. But don't lose all of who you are right now because it just wouldn't be the same. I love you darlin'! Call and chat if you need to.
Miguel Anjel Perezanfguy8877 on July 20th, 2005 04:32 am (UTC)

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